As times are changing, sensitivity is something that I believe should be practiced more.
I’m talking about the type of sensitivity that some may call being “politically correct” or a “snowflake.” But, in my mind, if you object to the rest of this article, you are not a valiant defender of free speech and independence. You’re a jerk.
The specific sensitivity I’m talking about is two-fold: minding your own business and being accepting of other’s issues.
As you read on, be aware that I’m not saying this sensitivity is easy. It isn’t. It takes hard work and extreme mindfulness to unlearn bad habits. I’m still working on it now. Still, this sensitivity should be a goal to actively strive for.
Let me give you a few hypothetical (may or may not be based on my recent experiences) situations, and I’ll discuss how I think sensitivity can be improved upon. This will not only help lessen amounts of awkward conversations, but it will also help spread some kindness and empathy.
Hypothetical One: The Baby Question
There’s a young, single woman. At her latest doctor’s appointment, her doctor talked about how she should start thinking about when she’s going to have kids. Not if, but when. She was never asked if she wants to have kids.
As she became a little older, family members, coworkers, and even strangers ask “when are you going to have kids?”
What’s the problem with this?
Maybe she cannot have children. Maybe she tried to, but had several miscarriages. Maybe she wants to adopt. Maybe she wants no children at all. Any of those options are OK, but it’s a private topic. Bringing it up can be triggering for someone who, for example, had miscarriages.
Also, saying that is basically asking “when are you going to have sex?” If you think about it that way, does this seem like an appropriate question? No? I thought so.
How can you avoid being that nosey person?
The best way is- don’t ask. Just don’t assume someone wants or can have babies (or other big life decisions). If the person you’re talking to brings it up, a vague follow up question may be nice. Use common sense, though. If the person says “I don’t want kids,” DO NOT ask “are you infertile.” It’s rude.
Hypothetical Two: The Dietary Request
There is someone who has a food allergy. Or celiac disease. Or another disease that requires a certain strict diet. No matter what, that person wants to go out with their friend group to a restaurant. They’ve communicated their limitations. The other people in the group choose somewhere they cannot eat, and the friends won’t change their minds. Also, the group only ever really goes out to eat.
What’s the problem with this?
This person said what would work for them. Real friends would try to accommodate them or do another activity that doesn’t involve food. Dietary restrictions can be life or death- this isn’t about being picky.
How can you avoid being that bad friend?
Simple: choose a safe restaurant or change the activity you’re doing. Understand this is not the only time this person has been excluded because of their diet. When you ignore their serious requests, it’s like saying (even if you don’t intend it this way!) that you don’t care about them.
People with dietary restrictions face discrimination and bullying, sometimes their entire lives. They may have even encountered people who tried to test their restriction by purposefully contaminating their food. This is not only dangerous, but it can result in criminal charges. These people are not seeking attention or trying to ruin your plans, they’re trying to live. Respect that.
Hypothetical Three: The Invisible Disability
A normal-looking young person is taking the elevator instead of stairs. They’re sitting down on the public bus. They’re wearing a face mask or using a mobility aid. People whisper and stare. People tell them that they’re too young to do those things. People comment that they’re lazy and entitled.
What’s the problem with this?
Invisible (mental and physical) illnesses and (mental and physical) disabilities exist. People who have them are suffering silently. They are frequently shamed and not believed. They are questioned and ridiculed. So, on top of the agonizing pain and symptoms they may be coping with, they have to deal with embarrassment or invalidation.
How can you avoid being that public shame-r?
Don’t stare, whisper, or pass judgement. If you see a young person I like described above, really think if it’s necessary to say anything to them. Most likely, it’s not. They know they’re different. You don’t need to point it out.
It’s incredibly difficult for able-bodied people to understand disabilities. I remember thinking, before my health went south, that it doesn’t make sense how someone could deal with an illness every day. I could not comprehend it. I don’t expect you to. But, I do expect some empathy and decency- the same that I will afford you.
Hypothetical Four: The Significant Other
A person is asked by their friends, family, and sometimes strangers when they are going to date someone (usually of the opposite gender).
What’s the problem with this?
This kind of unprompted questioning can put a person in a really uncomfortable situation. Maybe they just had a really, really bad experience on a date and they don’t want to share. Maybe they’re in the closet and this feels like you’re trying to force them out. Maybe they’re not in the mental place to date and feel like they’re letting you down.
How can you avoid being that intrusive questioner?
Like The Baby Question, wait until they bring up the subject and then proceed to question with caution. If you’re a friend or family member, they’ll open up to you when the time is right or they feel safe. If you’re making it an unsafe environment (i.e. homophobia), please reconsider your life choices. If you’re a stranger, it’s not really you’re business.
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Something I learned: We all deal with our own issues, but it’s impossible to know what someone else is struggling with. Why not make this unforgiving world just a little bit nicer? Is it really that hard to be kind?
Wonder #57- Metaphors. These help us understand the world more easily. For example, chronic illness is like having a child. Once you have it, it’s with you forever. There are some times where your entire life revolves around it. If you’re lucky, it’ll move out and you can have more time to yourself. Still, it’s always there.
Editor’s Note: Wonders is a series that is now discontinued from 2018. It examined the many wonders of the world.
Lexi Faye Writes 